Scared to Tell
So I haven’t been writing much lately. I guess because I feel like I can’t be honest. That has got so far away from the point of this blog. The reason I wanted this is so that I could be honest with the world and to put my feelings out there in a way in which people could relate. All to often we hide our feelings and when things go bad people wonder why nothing was ever said. Nothing is bad and actually things are pretty damn good. I have just been really scared to put myself out there. I have been judged a lot and people have a lot of opinions and views but this is on me, so here is a start (this will be a long one)….
I am at home with my family and I have been for a week now. It has been nice, really nice. Most of what I have been doing is a job hunt and spending time with the family. I have a rough past and I guess being here brings up lots of memories. My family has been amazing since being home. My mom has made a few amazing meals and we have had a few game nights with the family. It has been relaxing and fun.
Matt and I were at lunch and it was perfect for me to reflect on my family. We talked about grudges and how those hold you down. Years ago, I decided to let go of a bunch of resentment that I had holding me back. I still struggle with some and I work at letting them go. If I wouldn’t have been able to do that, I wouldn’t have the relationship I have today with my family.
I just want to remind myself and those reading this: If you feel things of the past holding you down consider how feeling that way will benefit you. It wont because it has already happened and nothing you can do will change that. However, you have to stop holding on to you and start letting go. Even if you can’t immediately repair or rebuild a relationship you can work on focusing on those that have helped you in life versus filling your mind with those that have hurt you. This is something I constantly need to remind myself of. It is the power within to make changes and when something is holding you down, make the commitment to change it or change the way you feel about it. The easy thing to do is to sit around unhappy but you would be amazed at what changing your attitude can do. Your heart has a way of telling you of when change is needed. Take action.
Yesterday I went to my first house I bought when I was 18. It was for sale and I got to go tour it during an open house. It brought back memories of the days in the house. It was a house I got with my first husband Mike. A few weeks ago I found out he is getting married. I am incredibly happy for him. I wish him nothing but happiness because that is what he deserves. He was a great guy. Amazing. Being in the house took me back to those days. We were happy when we lived there together and it made me miss him.
Mike is someone I haven’t talked about on the blog but after being together for 8 years we got divorced. I left him. Work had taken over his life. At the time I was pretty dumb and didn’t realize but working was his way of showing his love. I don’t regret the divorce, in fact I am thankful I was dumb and willing to go through with the divorce because now I don’t think I would be able to because I have learned a bit more about loyalty. However at the time I didn’t feel like Mike didn’t love me in the way I needed love. I am not a money person, I am a time person. I need someone that gives me their time. To me, time is the most valuable gift. While I am independent to an extent, I love time with those I care about. Mike was good to me. I will always be thankful for our relationship. I know a bit about his new relationship and it isn’t as stable as I would hope for him. Only he can decide what is right. So I just wish him well.
My life lesson about Mike is that: Cherish what you have now because time changes everything. Make your life meaningful to you. This isn’t easy and sometimes you have to make really hard choices. It is worth it. You will be much happier creating your life for you rather than letting those around you determine what will make you happy. Events in your life both good and bad transform you. You decide how you use life lessons and what makes you rich in life. Just remember money can be easy to obtain but a life of wealth is not. Being a good and honest person leaves this place better than you found it. Memories stay even when money fades so make the most of the time you have to create memories. Knowing that someone else’s life is changed for the better because of you is priceless.
I have been here at my family’s looking for jobs and trying to figure out my next move and next step. I am open to moving to any location and open to a number of different jobs. I guess for me, I am just looking for a bit more stability for awhile and I need an income. I want a change of pace. This makes me feel very loss because the options are so broad, I feel very confused. Some of the thoughts aren’t true but they are how I feel and they race through my mind. I know it is coming up on a year since the suicide and for that I put this huge amount of pressure on myself. I don’t know why or where the pressure comes from.
These are thoughts about myself and about my life that I don’t fully understand. I know that other people feel this too. These types of thoughts are normal and I have to keep telling myself that it is ok to feel lost. We all deal with feeling lost and confused. Some of the thoughts I need to let go of because they aren’t who I am. Things work out and we rise above them coming out ahead in the long run. It always works out life is good like that.
Since I went for the interview I have been traveling with Matt. I met him in Louisiana around the first of the year. He is in a lot of the same situations that I am in that he is in between jobs and is out seeing different things while he can. He has been a great friend from day one and even while in Colombia we talked daily. 2 weeks after I came back we met up and we have been traveling around since.
Matt is amazing and so much fun to be with. My family has really enjoyed having him around also. He has a very outgoing fun personality that is enjoyable to be around. I love it. We are friends with no expectations of where things will go. Of course it adds to my confusion because I have a deep appreciation for him that is growing daily. I can’t help it and anyone meets him they would understand why.
I am supposed to go with him to his family on Wednesday on the east coast. I was ok with it but as it has got closer I feel myself changing my mind. I am actually struggling with that a lot. I talked with my friend Omar about it this morning and then talked to Matt about it at lunch and he was understanding and supportive. I feel this need to protect myself from feelings and falling that I fight within myself constantly. Matt and I may never be more than just friends and I am fine with that. I just know there are feelings and I am scared to feel.
When someone likes you, you know it. When someone has a deep appreciation for who you are as a person, that means the world. When they look at life the same you do, suddenly life seems better. When they talk the same way you do, things in life sound better. Intuition tells you when you are safe in their presence and that connection is something you can feel. Somehow people like that feel like they have always been a part of you. That feeling can be scary and you can hide from it or open the door to it. The choice is yours and yours only.