My Blog Before “The Blog”
I talked to Sean’s mom last night for the first time in months through chat. Last night I had some really weird dreams about Sean and I kept waking up throughout the night.
I started having really vivid and weird dreams a few weeks ago. They actually started with my dog Kiara. In my dreams my mom found her. When I woke up, I really thought for a few minutes that it was true. Reality set in and I knew it wasn’t the case. Kiara went missing in Texas and my mom lives in Kansas.
Needless to say some days are hard. Today is one of those days. It really is a struggle. Life is amazing now but I still am weak at times. Today I knew I needed to get out and just be alone with my thoughts. So I loaded up Roxy and just went. I stopped at a few stores to relax my mind some but mostly just drove around aimlessly with music, a dog, and my thoughts.
While driving I remembered a post I made about Kiara on my Facebook. So I looked it up. June 27th was the date. So it got me looking at everything I had posted around that time. Facebook was my blog before my blog.
When I was reflecting back today, I noticed when my statuses went from light-hearted and jokes to heavy on the heart and deep. So today has been a rough day. One that I have wanted to cry, to scream, to say mean things, to break down and be mad at the world. I don’t have these days often but sometimes you just have to let it hurt and feel the pain so you can be reminded to keep going forward.
I am going home for the holidays and I know that is much needed. Hugs are the best medicine for a heart that hurts. I will get to be in the arms of those I love and the presence of those who have been there for me along the way. XOXO
I present to you- my blog before “the blog”:
March 27th- This is the day I finished my divorce. I didn’t want to but I lived in fear of my husband’s actions. He was spinning out of control so fast. I felt like I had to fight to survive. I knew something was going really wrong but I wasn’t sure what. I loved him so much. Addiction had taken over his life in an instant. I I felt like if I stayed around, I would go down with him. I was now fighting for my own life. Something had to change and I wasn’t going to die without a fight. “It amazes me how a person can judge someone on what they see in themselves. They are scared of who they are and feelings that cause them pain. That pain shakes their reality and so they try to hide their feelings. It is in pain that one can see the true strength. Embrace the pain and use it to fuel change.”
March 28th- I was in so much fear for my own life. I had no idea what to do. “Thinking about moving. Anyone have job leads? Any location will be considered.”
April 2nd- I was in full fear of my life at this point. I didn’t know if I would live from one day to the next. Not because of myself but because Sean was out of control. I thought every day was my last. “I live, I love, I laugh, I cry, I hurt, I fear… It’s how I know I’m real.”
April 3rd- The day that Sean moved. He came into the house and threatened me by saying no matter where I went he would find me. He was very physical and out of control. I escaped and started running away from the house through the yard. He tried to run me over with his car while I was on the phone with 911. I ran behind a building and escaped death again. When the police got Sean they breathalized him and he was intoxicated. It was 11am. “Today’s motto: I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles. Audrey Hepburn”
April 13th- The day that Sean committed suicide. Very few people knew at this point but I wanted to make sure I had time to tell people personally. The word spread very fast and I got so many calls that I couldn’t even keep up. “My heart hurts… My tears sting… Lost”
April 13th- I got in my car and the song “Over You” Came on. I cried and cried. I stopped at an iHop to eat hoping that would give me time to compose myself and I just couldn’t pull it together. When I went to leave, a guy sitting in a booth stopped me. He said that he wasn’t sure what I was going through but that if I needed to talk to someone he knew the perfect person. It was a friend of his that said would help for free. He scribbled the number on a napkin. I thanked him and went and sat on a curb and cried for what seemed like forever. I wasn’t one to cry much but this was a whole new world of pain.
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be OK
But I’m not going to ever get over you
April 15th- To update everyone, Friday April 13th Sean McGrew took his life. I did get to talk to him for a few hours just before trying to get help to him but his mind was already made up. So many emotions right now and a long road ahead. He is VERY loved and will be missed. Please keep his family/friends in your thoughts.
April 17th- VENTING: I was asked not to attend my ‘husband’s’ funeral by his family. I can’t wrap my mind around such a selfish act of placing blame and making such a request. To me, it is times like this we need to support each other and not let our own anger cloud our thoughts because you never know what someone else is going through. Love & Peace
April 19th- The day of the memorial service. I posted this before the service “I can’t put into words how I feel today. This is by far the hardest day of my life, up to this point. I miss him so much right now. I will forever cherish my time with Sean. As they say, don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.”
April 19th- Sean’s memorial service was held. I was asked not to attend but I went anyway. I didn’t want to make a big scene so only a few friends went with me Amber, Stacey, Cathy and Matt. I remember being fine till we got within a mile. I started to panic and freak out a bit. When we got there I saw the fire trucks and military people and I lost it. Amber and Stacey went in at first to secure a seat and to make sure that I would be safe. Matt and Cathy stayed with me. After the service started, I went in and sat at the back. A few people noticed I was there and I got a few glares. Ester (the one friend of Sean’s that reached out) asked if I wanted her to say anything on my behalf and I declined. She was the first one to get up there to talk. Everything was nice. I remember feeling so calm. I knew I couldn’t make a scene because I wasn’t sure what my danger level was at the time because of the hate mail I had received. We left right before the service was over. When I walked out and felt safe enough to cry, I just let myself cry. Amber grabbed onto me and we walked down this long hall way holding on to each other. By the time we reached the car, I wanted the sad feelings to end. So I stopped Amber at the door and said we could cry to the car and that was it. So we embraced each other again and walked to the car. Of course the tears didn’t end there. Everyone else took their turns hugging me and we all just stood there and cried. The last person I hugged was Matt. He had been through it all with me. We were so close at that point. We hugged what felt like forever. I knew with my friends by my side that I would be ok. I had to grab Amber from behind the car and told her she had to pull it together so we could celebrate Sean’s life and not morn his death. I posted after the ceremony “The service was done very nice and everything went well. Time to do this the way Sean would want it to be done. On to celebrating his life! I love and will miss you Sean. XOXO”
Stacey and Amber wrote:
- Amber “Today is a very emotional day. A very close and precious friend of mine is saying goodbye to someone she cherished and loved so much. It’s one of those experiences that makes you put life into perspective and look at the value that is located in every relationship you have. It also reminds you to live everyday to it’s fullest and as much as you possibly can, let your loved ones know how much they mean to you. So friends and family, I want you to know that you mean SO MUCH to me! ♥And Sherese Bishop, your courage and strength is inspirational, and friendship means more than you will ever know. Love you, girl!”
- Stacey- Days like this make you realize how blessed you are to have some of the most amazing friends! ♥
April 24th- I was in shock over what had happened. I would let myself have one bad day and told my friends and family to hold me accountable. “You know you are struggling when taking a shower is one of your greatest daily accomplishments. This is a reality check for not taking the small things in life for granted. I am SO THANKFUL for life.”
April 25th- I was back home spending time with the family after the suicide. “Home with the family is where I get fed the best meals, I receive the best hugs, I smile the most, and where my heart leads me when it needs comfort. Like they say about family, we may not have it all together but together we have it all. I ♥ my family!”
May 2nd- I was getting a ton of hate mail about Sean’s suicide. It was hurting me so much but through it, I stayed strong and didn’t say mean things back. I would respond by saying I hope that someday they would find peace. “I have to keep telling myself: being kind is more important than being right. When people try to bring you down it is only because you are above them.”
May 12th- I posted this video
May 26th- “Lessons and thoughts from today: Live with a purpose. Flirt with danger. Do everything you love. Practice health. Listen always. Smile as much as you can. Appreciate you friends. Never stop learning. Get the most out of life. No regrets, only lessons. Love with everything you have. It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.”
May 28th- Sean was on my mind and I was doing a lot of research on suicide so I wrote “Heavy on my heart today… More US veterans are committing suicide than are dying in combat overseas. Today is about honoring those who died for our country and also supporting those who quietly struggle among us fighting for their own life of freedom.”
June 7th- A video “I think EVERY person can relate in some way. WOW. So powerful.”
June 9th- This was a hard day for me “Suicide is the most SELFISH act. What it said is: “What I feel is too much and now I am ending it. What you feel for me when I go along with the guilt you endure doesn’t matter and neither does your love. Now I’m leaving you to pick up the pieces.” I’m doing my best but being broken is so hard some days.”
- “This is Debbie, Sean’s mother. Sean told me many times that you would never admit guilt or take responsibility for any of your actions. You should realize Sean didn’t die because he was selfish. He died because he was pushed over the brink .. feared the future because of you and the unknown was too unbearable to try to live through. He was in mortal agony and still you hounded him to the bitter end. You chose to let him die rather than give in. You could have contacted his family HOURS before he actually went through with it but you chose to wait until the very last minute when virtually nothing could be done. It’s been two months, Sherese. When will you finally be able to admit your part in his death? You stripped him of everything and he had nothing to live for. Death was better to him than the alternative. For your own good, please seek more in-depth psychological help. It’s what Sean wanted you to do.”
- My friend Amber wrote ” This is Amber, one of Sherese’s many friends that also knew and cared for Shawn. One thing I liked most about Shawn (other than his funny/quirky personality) was how much you could tell he cared for Sherese. However, we all know that what he dealt with was much bigger than any issue he ever had with Sherese. No one is capable of ‘causing someone’s dealth’ unless they pull the trigger themselves. I am a mother, and I know that you are hurting in a way that no one else is. In the same manner, I most definitely know my friend Sherese is hurting in a way that I can’t and very want to comprehend. I know that it is easier to place the blame on someone else for Sean’s actions, but please try to think back to the night it all happened. When Sean himself, made this decision on his own, and Sherese did everything in her power to stop him, get help to him, and convince him it wasn’t worth it. We all know that Sherese is a very strong and confident person, but at the same time, she is one that doesn’t give up on things easily-especially relationships. She loves Sean, but sadly Sean himself got to a bad place that wasnt healthy for him nor her.
I am so sorry for your loss, I truly am. However, i know what a great person Sherese is. I know what she is dealing with. I’ve read all the hate mail from people about their thoughts on Sean’s death, and seen how much it hurts her but she only says, “I know they are doing this because they are hurting”.
I know that this post won’t change your mind about things, and that’s fine. But what I do hope is that you realize your blame won’t change things. All it is doing is hurting someone that Sean loved.”
- My response “As much as I want to put my opinion in…. I love life and only wish the best for everyone. I do what I can and that’s what I got. Thank you so much to all of you there for support. I love you all.”
June 10th- “Don’t confuse my personality and my attitude because my personality is ME and my attitude depends on YOU.”
June 26-Great things are happening at this moment: 2 people are falling in love, a baby just took their first steps without falling, someone is in their shower singing at the top of their lungs, a person just gave spare change to a charity, and at this very moment someone is thinking of you. Right now is an opportunity to do something extraordinary for your life. Don’t take it for granted. Embrace the moment because wealth is really about living life to the fullest. 🙂
June 27th- This is what I was looking for and how this whole blog post was started!!! “I woke up last night and thought that I heard Kiara. So I rushed out to see and no such luck. Then it hit me, that is how a dog spends their whole life. Rushing to the door to greet their best friend because of how much they have missed them. My ♥ hurts and I just want her safe.”
July 2nd- “I have concluded through careful, empirical analysis and much thought that somebody is looking out for me. Keeping track of what I think about things, forgiving me when I do less then I ought, giving me strength to shoot for more than I think I am capable of. I believe they know everything that I do and think and they still love me and I’ve concluded after careful consideration that this person keeping score is ME. – Adam Savage Mythbusters (I couldn’t agree more LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!!)”
July 6th- I had an amazing time around July 4th. I remember a night where Rachel my amazing roommate at the time and I went to Kaboom town with one of my Dallas adopted families the McCoppin’s. I just remember reflecting back on our freedoms and the time I had with my close friends and family and wrote this. “Looking back to a year ago if you asked me where I saw myself, this isn’t it. I am nothing like I thought I would be. People I couldn’t live without have walked away and people who were strangers at that time, now mean the world to me. Though the change may have hurt, sometimes that change is everything I needed…and more.”
July 9th- “Got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face….”
July 11th- “I really think the truth in living life to the fullest is being outside of your comfort zone, taking risks, and challenging yourself to do things you never thought possible. So I am curious, what would you do in life if you weren’t afraid?”
July 12th- “This is Me”
July 12th- “The difference between great people and everyone else is that great people create their lives actively, while everyone else is created by their lives, passively waiting to see where life takes them next. The difference between the two is the difference between living fully and just existing. – Michael Gerber”
July 14th- was a great day. I donated blood and went over to my amazing friend Amber’s house. We cleaned out her kids closets together. Her daughter had an instrument so of course I entertained and we laughed and laughed. This is what I posted “Today I gave blood-saving a life, composed and sang a song to someone I love, and became a ninja warrior when I walked into a spider web. All in a day’s work…”
July 16th- I posted “Thinking of it this way… It isn’t being scared of heights, it is the fear of the landing. It isn’t the dark that we are afraid of, it is what might be in the dark we can’t see. It isn’t that we fear letting go, we are scared of accepting that it is gone.”
July 19th- I was out at my pool by myself and a song came on. All I did was start dancing and singing alone. In that moment I remember being so happy. At that time being happy was a choice I made every day. I remember how being happy that day felt natural again. My theme song that day that I posted:
July 23rd- “We waste so much of our life comparing who we are to others. We want to be something we aren’t just because someone else is. EVERYONE had strengths and weakness. Embrace yourself and what you have. When you love yourself for who you are (and are not) you will be just what you are supposed to be. Be beautiful by being you.”
July 29th- I went to Vegas with my family. They left early and I still had the whole weekend to explore. So I went by myself to San Diego. I knew when I got there that I was over Texas and ready to move on. “Screw Texas. I’m moving to San Diego. End of story.”
July 31st- after a conversation with my good friend Omar I wrote this about dreams “Everyone fears failure. Fear holds us back from doing things we want to do. Success is found in resilience. People who make the most of life are those who take the most risk by facing their fears to follow their dreams. It isn’t failure if you take steps back in life, it is failure when you stop moving forward. My choice is courage because I want to live my dreams and not my fears. It is amazing how one conversation can change things forever.”
August 11th- Searching…. Who am I? Where do I belong? I want to challenge myself to do things that I think are beyond reach but the rest of the world would think I was crazy for even trying. I’ve learned you find your inner most strength when you face the most pain. For me the greatest sense of accomplishment comes when I face the fears, when I endure the pain and come out on the other side on top. I’m just a girl, looking for where I belong in this complex world. I’m strong. I’m vulnerable. I’m real. I make mistakes. I push forward. I love. I cry. I dream. I believe. I’m me.
August 12th- BLOG DAY! “I started a blog 🙂 I am hoping I can motivate others to discover who they are by making the most of their life. It is called “Life Defused” and will be filled with inspiration. Feel free to leave comments, subscribe and share with others that might need encouragement. XOXO”
August 15th- Can we say impulsive? That I am! “So… Facebook says to let it all out so here it goes. I AM MOVING out of Dallas. I am not 100% where, or why, or many details for that matter. All I do know is that I will be here 2 more weeks. In that time, I am selling my belongings and “figuring” it out.”
December 11th- So here I am still “figuring” it out, taking on the world, living life, and loving it. I am forever grateful for each day even on the days when it takes everything I have to hold it together.