Let Me Get Something Straight…
As I sit here in the cafe I call my ‘office’ it takes so much not to break down and cry or scream at the world. So, let me get something straight to those that think you know best….
- I do not fully understand the world around me
- I fear getting hurt
- I don’t know what is best for me
- I am who I am
Guess what? SAME GOES FOR YOU!!!!
Every day right now is a battle for me. Why?
I experienced a traumatic period just a short time ago.
A suicide of a loved one, a loss of a friend shortly after with very little explanation and my dog who was very dear to me went missing. I didn’t have much closure on those things. Not to mention I thought I would die for days without being able to express that to many others without putting people in danger. It hurts. Every day I relive it.
Of course it is easy for someone to say how I should handle my life now. Please know that by trying to get your point across on what you think I should be doing makes me feel patronized and rejected because I am not living to your standards. If the only things you say are things like: “Pull yourself together” “Get over it” “Get help” “Be positive” “You should __________” please look in the mirror while saying them. Just know you are not teaching me a lesson or helping in any way.
Let’s say for a minute that Sean would have been successful at causing me a great deal of physically injury to the point I was in the hospital, unable to walk etc… If he would have plowed the car through my body crushing every bone maybe only then would it be easier for one to understand why I need to take a break and heal only because I physically have no choice?
The reality is that he wasn’t successful. Some saw the bruises, fat lip, black eyes, and scrapes that Sean caused. Some saw the tears, the helplessness, the struggle to cope with what was going on. The inside pain that comes from a traumatic event is big even if you can’t see it on the outside.
The hurt, the pain will stay with me my entire life but hopefully after more time it will subside. It has shaped me and lead me to the very place I am today. It has changed me in a way in which is hard to describe and hard for one to understand because you can’t see it outwardly.
One thing I know for certain is that there is life after trauma. What kind of life that is depends on me. No amount of anyone saying what is best will make it better. I have to want whatever ‘best’ and it can’t be forced on me. I am doing what I think is best for me so that the traumatic experience is something that happened to me, I don’t want it to define me but I will let it shape me.
I chose to take some time to write my feelings both good and bad, travel, and experience life. It helps me organize the events and reminds me to turn it into something meaningful and to be inspired. I also chose to put myself out there so that maybe this will help someone going through a similar experience to be able to heal too. It is about connections and there is something to be said for realizing you are not alone in the personal struggles in this thing we call ‘life’.