Leave Me Behind
I need to write through how I feel. Today is hard. None of this may make sense BUT it is my emotions not my rational mind. I need to purge.
I feel betrayed. Not only by Sean but I feel like I let myself down. I trusted him. He hurt me. I hurt myself by letting him into my life in the first place.
Today my emotions feel like the suicide was yesterday. Suicide is something that I can’t explain. It is something that you can’t imagine till you go through it. To think about death before one thinks it is time to go but for it to be a choice for someone to take their life at a young age does something to the survivors deep down. There is a sort of confusion that comes with someone taking their own life.
I can tell you that you NEVER really know how much someone means to you till the reality hits you that they exist no more. I know first hand that you don’t understand things till you are faced with the fact you will never have another moment with that person. Ever. It hits you and it hits you hard. It changes your life and who you are as a person forever.
So today, I am mad.
I am mad at Sean for leaving me, for hurting me, for loving me, for caring, for putting this onto me. I share in that because I am mad at myself too. Somewhere I went wrong, very wrong. I love Sean. I did my best at showing it to him. There is a song that I would sing to him if I could and the lyrics that are most powerful to me are:
Now here I am trying to make sense of it all
We were best friends now we don’t even talk
You broke my heart
Ripped my world apart
I can’t get you out of my head
I still feel you in this bed
Left me all alone
You couldn’t be more gone
From falling apart to fighting mad
From wanting you back to not giving a damn
I’ve felt it all
I’ve been to the wall
Didn’t you know how much I loved you?
The last part of that song is “I gave you everything, every part of me”. That is important to me. He gave my love back to me. He gave me another shot at love and a new outlook on life.
I know that he thought about taking me with him. I felt it and right before he ended his life he told me. It confirmed my fears. I was on the phone with him for hours. I even thought he was there to kill me because he told me I didn’t know where he was and I wouldn’t till it happened. At the end the only thing I could think was I am still alive!
You stood there crying
I stood there lying
Trying to convince to let me go
Cause you deserve a man who will give all he has
just to make you his whole world
That was something I could never do
So go on girl, leave me behind
I gave myself a year. I put it in my mind that I would feel sorry and do what I needed to do to get the bad feelings out of my system so that I carry as little as possible forward. I want this to be something that happened to me but that changed me for the better. It haunts me everyday. I know that will never change. I want to minimize the effects so I told myself a year. Now that the year is coming to an end, I want to purge all these bad feelings and look to a brighter future.
I take responsibility because I chose to love Sean. I chose to be with him. I chose that life. I have had to remind myself I am human and to forgive myself. I know without doing that there is no way I can move forward. To take things as a lesson learned and to move forward.
So today, I get to be mad, hurt, angry. I get to love Sean, miss him, wish he was here and whatever I want to do. I gave myself the year and I did what I needed to get past the pain of the suicide. I know it will still be a part of my life forever but how much it brings me down I control. Sean made this choice. Now I get to make mine!