This is going to be a hard post to write. Very deep and for some, it will be a hard reality.
John is my father but that doesn’t make him my dad. Let me explain the ways in which he inspires me…
I don’t remember much about him growing up and the memories I do have, they aren’t the best. I try to be positive and focus on the positive in people but this is a person that I find that to be extremely hard for me.
My father inspires me in a way that most don’t, he has been an example of what I don’t want to be. It is that simple.
He has addiction problems, he has not been there like a father should be for their kids, and he fails to take responsibility. This lack of responsibility is what prevents us from having a relationship. I have tried a few times to build a relationship but it hasn’t worked. Here is the last letter I wrote to him few years ago:
I think it is important that you say the right thing at the right time and sometimes we fear what we say because we fear it is the wrong time but what I fear is letting this moment pass without saying a word so here is what I need to say…
I think you should know that I am not the person you remember. I’m Stronger. I told you what I need in order to move forward and you continue to If you want to call them conditions so be it. I have a heart to protect and I am so afraid to love you. Why love someone who doesn’t know me at all? I have worked hard at picking up the pieces and putting my life back together I am not about to let you walk back in with you playing the victim like you are only to break me down again.
So it seems that here we go again, same situation we are always in… Well I know it’s not me, it’s you. So I am setting this straight for myself. You are the one that left me broken with all the pain YOU put me through. I didn’t abandon my children nor do I have a drinking/drug problem. I have overcome the abuse both mental and physical that you put me through in order to have a relationship with you but I won’t let you continue to play the victim and I refuse to take the blame. Someday I can hope that you will wish you made things right, put your pride aside and taken responsibility.
I may not know what it is like to have you as my father and I have to come to terms with that and I will if this is how things will be I have the courage to say goodbye. I can’t force you to take responsibility, to stop playing the victim, admit that you are wrong but ultimately you are the one that is responsible for your actions. What I know is that I need to be strong and keep moving forward in my life and that is what I plan to do . I needed closure to a large part of my past and I am now able to say that I did everything WITHIN ME to reconcile our relationship.
I will always miss you and want you to be part of my life but I can’t let you hurt me anymore. I have decided that if this is how you are going to be, then my life is better without you in it. In the future, if you want a relationship with me, I will have conditions because I have a right to protect myself. I wish you all the best and hope your life is full of happiness because nothing changes the fact that you are my father and I want the best for you. Know that I will continue to live my life in the best way possible and that I forgive you and that I will never forget you.