It’s a New Year
Growing up people always ask kids what you want to be. As a kid I had such big hope for the future of what I was going to be. So much of those dreams have changed and I often question myself. Last night I was faced with a tough question: Where had my confidence gone? I was told just months ago I was filled with so much confidence and now it is lacking. At first I was like… that isn’t me, I am confident. It got me thinking…
I do lack confidence in some areas right now. I knew this journey would be tough and that the lessons would be big but of course it isn’t what I dreamed. Not that it is a bad thing, it is just different.
Right now I lack in confidence because I don’t have a job and my savings is running low. That was something I expected. I just didn’t think it would happen so fast. Because of circumstances out of my control, it has. That adds stress and takes away some of my confidence.
Another area I have lost confidence is physically. Everywhere I go people want to take me out to their favorite place and getting into a workout routine is hard without stability or a schedule. This takes a toll on the way I look, on the way I feel. I don’t have the energy that I do when I am at good health. Nothing can change the way working out and eating right can make a person feel. So that is wearing on me.
Lacking stability is something else I struggle with. Right now I am single and I do whatever I want when I want to do it. There is something to be said for stability though. Stability in a job, stability in a relationship, and stability in staying in one place. There is something to be said for being comfortable in doing what I want or what I feel is best for me.
In that I have more confidence in following my heart and my dreams and leaving other people’s opinions of how I should like my life behind. At one point I had given up on them because they weren’t normal and people told me they were impossible. Some of my dreams have evolved or changed but the core of them exist and I am more confident now than ever to make them come true regardless of what people think. I will take self confidence in chasing my dreams over someone else’s perception of who I am any day.
Every day I lose pieces of myself in some other way to chase my dreams. So I do lack confidence right now in some areas that I once had. I know that I need to find a balance. Give it time, give myself space, and most of all love myself. It would be easy to let things frustrate me and to let go of my dreams but I also know it is good to make friends with things that frustrate me and learn to like them. It is easy to overcome something when it no longer stands in your way.
Right now I feel a little alone. I have people around me so it isn’t alone in a physical sense. Just emotionally struggling to find the balance and to find my comfort zone. I know that when there is insecurities that is when you draw closest to people because they help get through things and offer comfort. Having relationships helps by sharing in the trials or by help coming up with a resolution and in that bonding experience with others you find comfort.
So for now, my short term goals to increase my self confidence is to find a temporary job for the next month and to start working out again and eating right. Isn’t that what everyone does when it’s a new year?
Talking about a new year, here are my pictures from the family time that we had on New Years Day… Greatness!