Here recently I have found myself getting more upset at things and people. Matt has been in my line of fire. The other night in an insecure moment he told me “I love you and I am not going anywhere. You have a choice to make and you must decide if I get to stay or go.” Of course I cried and I didn’t sleep well at all that night.
After tons of thinking and many days I have come up with what I understand the problem to be. I was creating problems that didn’t exist based upon insecurities.
Matt can be a lot like a child. He is always happy and overjoyed about everything! To him everything is his favorite and I always feels like he oversells everything. This is the best food ever, he is my favorite player, etc… ALL THE TIME! Not only that but he wears these ridiculous t-shirts. Not to mention that his level of self motivation is next to none and I was always behind him reminding him to do this or that.
It was getting to be too much for me and every time I turned around I felt like I was the only grownup in the relationship. It was a horrible feeling and my fuse was growing shorter and my temper was getting ridiculous and out of control. I was mad at Matt for not being more grown up. I was in fear that my relationship would fail because Matt wasn’t capable of taking care of his ‘responsibilities’. Based on my track record of failed relationships in my past this made me feel very insecure and all I wanted was to gain back control.
I was responding defensively because my past relationships and I was scared of Matt getting close to me even though he has been nothing but amazing and supportive. I carry the weight of my past relationships to my present and I was making unfair comparisons. It was leading me to fear and insecurity and I was inventing problems. Not saying that at times Matt doesn’t need to grow up but I was getting out of control with my feelings about it. Matt told me a harsh truth by saying “for someone who is so positive, you sure do focus on the negative aspects”.
What I was doing is becoming OCD on the qualities that I didn’t like I was forgetting about the ones that I do life. I wasn’t leaving room to realize that Matt can’t be perfect and that in every relationship there are ups and downs with moments of disagreement and other times of feeling close. Those feelings are normal.
What I concluded and am working on is that imperfection is going to be there and nothing ever works flawlessly all the time. The quality of a relationship depends on acceptance and it is how 2 people deal with the imperfections that can make a relationship ideal. Once you have been through relationships you will soon discover there is no perfect person because we all have imperfections. When you discover your own complex imperfections, it is then that you realize that you are looking for an imperfect person that balances you out.
This doesn’t mean accepting anyone who will accept you. For me it means to stop focusing so much on what isn’t working so that I can see what is. So that I can stop being so insecure and start trusting. I need to challenge myself and my relationship to be the best it can be and to acknowledge just how amazing Matt really is…. even if he wears dumb t-shirts and acts like everything is THE BEST. If that is the worst I can find, I think I have it pretty good.