I Was Here

Yesterday I started writing this long post and my plan was to finish it today… Nothing goes as planned right? Instead I want to talk about what is on my mind today which will lead into the post tomorrow. I’ve never openly talked about this before on here…

Growing up I was a tough kid. My parents were divorced and I was often the pawn in the family feud as children often are in divorce situations. I don’t blame my parents, it is just the reality of a harsh situation. Because I was caught in the middle of an ugly battle, I acted out of control. Not justifying my behaviors, just another reality of the situation.

In the middle of that, I went into foster care. My mom gave me up and my dad was in no position to take me. At one point I ran away and when I was caught, I was put into a group home. I was emancipated at 17 and off into the big world I went.

That caused a lot of hard feelings in me as a kid because everyone was busy pointing their fingers at everyone else for the problems. As a kid, all I wanted was a happy family. The kind you see on TV and in the movies. Mine wasn’t. I didn’t know any better.

I was angry at my family as a kid. I was limited by what I knew. I knew that I wanted my mom to love me and my dad to love me and I didn’t want to pick sides. I felt like if I rejected one, in some way I was rejecting myself because I was a part of them. I loved both.

In that, I learned how to act tough.

I couldn’t let the world see that I was scared of being rejected by my parents. I wanted them to love each other because they were a part of me. Being rejected by your own parent feels like the ultimate rejection to a child. I was going to show them tough. I knew that if I acted up, they were rejecting my behavior and not my feelings. So I did and because of it, I grew up tough.

The other day I saw the movie Les Miserables. I can’t get it out of my mind. I guess it takes me awhile to process things. I like to have time to fully think about them because it develops the longer I think and relate. It reminded me a lot on how I felt as a kid and how that learning has changed the way I think now.

The biggest moral lesson of the movie: compassion is one of the best gifts you can give to someone else.

I learned compassion at an age I would consider to be younger than most.

Here is my best example (ice cream included):

At age 4 if your ice cream falls to the ground, you start to cry because what just happened is a horrible thing (for a 4 year old). At age 12 if it happens, you know it isn’t the end of the world so you don’t cry and probably laugh at a 4 year old that does. As an adult, you have learned compassion for the 4 year old in tears because you know that the ice cream falling is the biggest of their worries so you don’t discipline them, you just help them learn the lesson.  It is a part of our learning process. It is called compassion.

Relating my ice cream example to my childhood, I was the 4 year old that was limited on my views.I reacted to the situation because I was hurt. My parents were 12 because they were caught up in their world they didn’t see how their actions hurt me. Now I have the opportunity to act like the adult, I try to have compassion on the situation.

Sometimes it is hard for me and I struggle to let go of what happened to me as a child.I think why me or feel sorry for myself. I remind myself the valuable life lessons I learned such as being tough. It makes me a better person and has always pushed me at being better at being a person.

Statistics say that only 3% of foster kids make it through college. I know that very few in my family ever thought I would graduate and they voiced their opinions. Thankfully, I had someone that believed in me more than I ever did and it taught me that I could do whatever I put my mind to doing. It was in those times that I learned to be tough. It was part of the process.

I know from that time in my life and the way I felt that if you hold onto mistakes of a person or look at their negative qualities you aren’t helping that person. In fact, it makes them feel like less of a person and mistakes are still being made. It isn’t till we have more compassion, will we be able to help others be better at being human. When we believe in others and bring out the positive qualities, we help them believe and live life to their potential.

I want to show compassion because I know we are all lost in this world in some way. I want to know what other people go through down to the core of being human. We all have that chance so show compassion to others every day.I want to help others at being human if they want it. Learning to be better at being human is about learning compassion. So today I share my story hoping my story has touched someone in a way to inspire them to be better at being human. It is my way of helping the world learn more compassion and it is my way of saying “I was here”.

I Was Here

You will notice me
I’ll be leaving my mark like initials carved
In an old oak tree, you wait and see

Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold, I don’t know
But I’m ready start ’cause I know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I’ve been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
Leave nothing less than something that says I was here

I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk, you’re in for a shock
‘Cause this dream’s too strong and before too long

Maybe I’ll compose symphonies
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
‘Cause I know it’s my destiny
To leave more than a trace of myself in this place!

I wanna do something that matters, say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better with the time I’ve been given
I wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
And leave nothing less than something that says I was here

And I know that I, I will do more than just pass through this life
I’ll leave nothing less than something that says I was here
I was here

Author: admin

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