I Don’t Think About You

After Sean’s suicide, I was emotionally wrecked. I hit the road with Roxy and my jeep to clear my head. To figure out life.  It was liberating and healing.Then I met Matt. This guy standing in front of me had gone and lived overseas for 2 years after his divorce to sort through life. I was in awe. I felt inspired. But I ran. He invited me for waffles. No thanks, Taco Bell and a night in my car instead. Curious… There are people that travel like me to explore life, after all, what is the meaning?

I think of it like my cats. These jerks go hide when someone comes over. However, sometimes they come out and watch them. They want affection. They want to see who they are. They want to trust. They stay just far away not to be grabbed or touched. Rubbing on furniture meowing for attention. They want affection from these people. They want to test the water to see what these humans might do to them.

That was me to Matt. Yet Matt was the human that sat down and said I will just sit here with you, I don’t have to connect. I purr… I enjoy having this human’s attention. Eventually, I come closer and closer. He pulls out the toys and I start playing. I enjoy our time together. He sees me. He tells me if I can just exist with you, I promise not to hurt you. Anytime you get scared, I go and we try again another day. So I swat him when he gets closer. Sometimes I use my claws to see what he does. Interesting… He stays. I start to trust him. Let down the walls. Not, I will even flop over on my back for this human to touch my belly. The moment I do that, it all changes.

You see I trusted him. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. We get married and I follow his career to Japan giving up my apartment, my career, my pets. When I get there, I still run and hide when I get scared. I won’t let anyone else know I have trusted him and that I am married again. Yet, I realize that isn’t him, that’s my issues and baggage I carry. I want to be better so I do what I know to do to clear my head and my heart. I go to explore the world around me. It is what I do. It is who I was when he met me.  I think travel is the best teacher to discover the world and to reveal the powers within myself.

Upon my return, something was off with Matt and I felt it at my core. At first, I thought it was me and my changes. Until I found the messages from her. This human that had spent over a year building up trust crushes me in an instant. 3 days of looking me in the eyes promising that nothing happened and  I find out from another source that this person was in my space, my world, with my man, and in my home.

It was my fault according to him. For every outburst of anger, for hiding my marriage, for needing time to myself, I caused this. “How men cheat is by dealing with the reality that they’ve hurt another by denying it. You don’t have to deal with something that is not a reality to you.”

Do I stay or do I go? This was one of the hardest questions I have ever faced. He promises-if you stay I will do ANYTHING, anything at all that you need. How would I admit after 4 months of being married that I failed, again? Options: I can return to the US with no job, no car, no place to go, and no way can I ask for my pets back. If you ever would have told me before this happened that I would stay with a cheater. NO WAY. Anyone that knows me would probably think the same thing. But I did. I stayed.

I put my heart and soul into transforming myself. This girl was 20 and I was 29, to make sure it didn’t happen again, I needed to change my body. I got into running. I worked out 2-3 times a day. I juiced. I found healthy recipes to make. I found photos from that time labeled “before” dated shortly after the affair. I am sharing because at this time I hated my body and I blamed myself and I couldn’t stand how I look. The affair took away all of my self-esteem. I was a confident human before but after I felt like I wasn’t attractive, intelligent, or in any way interesting. Just looking at this picture brings up so much sadness as my body is beautiful. At the time, I wasn’t sure that I would ever be lovable again.

My request was that I have access to all of his accounts, that he go to therapy, and that he commits to building back that trust. I wanted him to sit on the floor again and just exist around me so I could warm-up to trusting again. Three appointments in, he quit therapy and told me I needed to go with him or he wasn’t going. My response was that this was his mistake to fix, not mine, especially 4 months into a marriage.

After he quit therapy, I begged him to quit his job and move back to the US and let me build my career why he sorts through it. I had so much anxiety. I kept pushing forward. I started a doctorate program and started teaching too. I isolated myself from friends/family. I hadn’t even told people we had gotten married, how would I explain my situation? I was humiliated and I was betraying myself. My connections to people are one of my greatest assets and something I work incredibly hard at. However, I hid. I cried alone. I told people I was fine and I pulled away rarely reaching out to anyone scared they might ask how I am doing.

Anger is an understatement. I raged on Matt physically lashing out and spewing venom in the form of words and digging my claws and teeth in. I was already an explosive wreck after the suicide but this situation took my anger to a whole new level. It shattered everything I thought I knew about myself. I became a human that I didn’t even recognize.

Of course, this triggered Matt to lash out and return the rage.

One point I almost left Matt. Instead, I got individual therapy to stop the rage and I got a handle on my explosive reactions. My thought for therapy was that if I stopped lashing out that he would step up. I could set an example of change. I stopped and returned to the relationship re-committing myself.

Matt didn’t stop the raging and blaming me though. He even made the choice without me to continue in his job even though I had expressed I was done putting my career on hold and I was ready to return to the US.

The next year, I made the decision to return. My thinking was that if I showed Matt a good life in the US maybe he would have reason to get help and make an effort to repair the damages done, take responsibility, and to stop blaming me.

It was time to take care of myself and put the focus back on me. I needed to take control of my life again. Taking part of the blame when I wasn’t to blame was disorienting. I found myself busy trying to find myself back to the person that I once was. It wasn’t my responsibility to carry anymore. Matt has the burden of the destruction that his cheating caused. The minute I pulled back to focus on myself, Matt started slipping in the opposite direction of what I had intended. He became depressed and withdrawn.

I continued to beg him to go to therapy for help.  February I put out the ultimatum, get help or I am done for good. Early March I showed him the divorce paperwork to show how serious I was. Towards the end of March, I filed when I had reason to think he was having an affair again. So much for doing ANYTHING I needed to stay and make me feel safe again. The next day, he made an appointment for therapy. Too little too late.

I connect to music and this is what I put on repeat for anyone else that needs to hear this:

 

To prove to me he wasn’t cheating, he asked me to log in to his social media to see a conversation. In the short time that I was in there, a female student called him. I lost it. I took over all of Matt’s accounts. I reached out to his family and told them that I felt like he could use support since I would no longer be there. Matt told them not to reach out and that he was fine. His family lashed out on me. I outed all of his family secrets. I literally lost my sense to be rational. I even sent messages to his family like I was him. I spent most of April mourning the loss of my marriage and getting control of my emotions. COVID hit so I was forced to confront my feelings head-on and I started therapy again.

Of course, according to Matt, I am to blame. I quit on us and on him when he needed me the most. I can’t help but feel sad. I gave all of myself and wanted so much for it to work. Even though I filed a part of me held on to the thought that maybe he would return to just existing there while I bite and claw with the promise to never hurt me again. Showing up daily and just sitting there with me patiently doing what is needed to allow me to start trusting him again. 

Since we have the house he has at least agreed to help financially contribute in the short term which that comes at a cost to me in the long term. I hadn’t talked to him in a few weeks and this past weekend Matt violated our separation agreement without communicating with me. We can’t even be separated without him disregarding something he signed in writing. Another broken commitment and promise. Sunday I cried more than I have cried in my entire life in a 24 hour period. Turning to music for support and just to relate.

And that is why I am writing this today. I know this doesn’t fit the norm of not airing out your dirty laundry. I have never been one that hides the bad. Social media tells us that we have to paint a picture of life is grand. However, I know every time I share I find people that can relate. Yes I lost my cool, yes I am imperfect, yes I went bat shit crazy at times, I wasn’t perfect and I am not free of the responsibility for my part in the failure of my relationship.

What I can promise is I gave it my all and every bit of what I had.

After my music fest on Sunday, today my cousin posted something I desperately needed to hear.

So I am giving myself permission, out loud, to let go. To move on. To heal myself. I am acknowledging that I am ready to see beyond my pain today that I am holding onto and move into love and happiness that is clear of anger and the immense amount of guilt I have felt. Some of that guilt is in the fact I haven’t been honest and true to myself. I didn’t lean onto friends years ago when I needed them most and I believe people take the bad with the good or they don’t deserve you. I have been fighting my way back to myself and I am ready. What happened is my past and can’t be changed. As much as I wanted to control the outcome no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t. I can control my actions and my emotions. I can reflect on what happened and make better decisions moving forward.

My heart is so full being back in Dallas with my people. Just today I had 4 people reach out to me asking for my time this week. They all have heard my stories of my mistakes and they still chose me. They sit with me and show me the love I need to show myself.

I know I’m Superwoman, I know I’m strong
I know I’ve got this ’cause I’ve had it all along
I’m phenomenal and I’m enough
I don’t need you to tell me who to be
Can someone just hold me?
Don’t fix me, don’t try to change a thing
Can someone just know me?
‘Cause underneath, I’m broken and it’s beautiful
I’m broken and it’s beautiful

Today I chose to forgive myself and to stop holding on to what could have been. Today I am leaning on my friends/family claiming out loud that I am working towards healing so that someday I can open my heart to receive love and trust again. For now, you can find me listening to this song over and over until I can wake up one day and every word is true.

 

When you’re lost in the moment
You can’t see where you going
I didn’t who I could trust
So I put all my faith in us
Oh, you tore me to pieces
Turned my strength into weakness
I didn’t want it all to fall apart
So I decided just to play the part
But honestly, I do it all again
Putting up with all the bullshit, he made me strong enough to do this
It used to bother me
Thought I could never leave?
After all that I’ve been through, nothin’ left to prove
No, no, no, I don’t think about you
Weighin’ down on me
I lost my sanity
And now that we are through
Nothin’ left to lose
No, no, no, I don’t think about you
I feel freedom where I stand now
And I feel proud from who I am now
Yeah, I learned a lot along the way
I love the woman that I became
I was patient, but not anymore
He’s back in my hands
And you swore I’ll never do it
But it’s your turn to face the music
It used to bother me
Thought I could never leave?
After all that I’ve been through, nothin’ left to prove
No, no, no, I don’t think about you
Weighin’ down on me
I lost my sanity
And now that we are through
Nothin’ left to lose
No, no, no, I don’t think about you
It was hard to hold on
Days and nights I thought I’d never make at all
Couldn’t make it at all
Now I stand tall
Feeling like myself again, no worries at all
Breathe
No one can stop me from livin’ this moment for me
I found my heartbeat
After all that I’ve been through
No, I don’t think about you
It used to bother me (it used to bother me)
Thought I could never leave? (Thought I could never leave?)
After all that I’ve been through (through) nothin’ left to prove (prove)
No, no, no, I don’t think about you
Weighin’ down on me (weighin’ down on me)
I found my sanity (I found my sanity)
And now that we are through (through)
Nothin’ left to lose (lose)
No, no, no, I don’t think about you
I don’t think about you (no)
(No, no, no) no, no, no
(Not anymore) not anymore
No, no, no
I don’t think about you

Author: admin

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