First Year After Suicide
Life has a way of working out. In 2 days it will be the one year anniversary of Sean’s suicide. I was told the first year was the hardest and so it was my goal to make it to the one year mark. I knew I had to do whatever it took to do that, so I did.
There were a ton of “firsts”. The first person that hugged me. The first person I called. The first anniversary, birthday, holidays and now the anniversary. Obviously they all come in the first year and that is why it is so tough. I know that things do get better because of hope, healing, and love. I am so close to getting through the first year and as the date gets closer I anticipate emotions of the first year coming to an end and my future. To me, it seems like a “new” year.
What I have learned is that knowing someone that has committed suicide is something one can’t understand till they go through it. People don’t know how to react when they hear that someone has lost their life to suicide. Those around the survivor try to avoid it so that they don’t upset the survivor but most really need to talk about it. I know I did.
Many people think I should be mad at Sean for killing himself. Most say that they would be and/or that they are mad at him. I am not. It is what Sean wanted and he had been thinking about it for a long time. I miss him and my heart hurts but I have a new value to life. What I want now is to find something he never did which is happiness and that starts with accepting myself and my life. This has been my focus for the last year.
My friends and family have been a HUGE part in my healing. I can not thank those who have been there for me enough. I am asking for another favor. On the day of the memorial service, people close to me wrote me things that I used to get me through the first year. They wrote quotes, poems, sent me songs, drew pictures, told me funny stories, gave me photos, etc…. that were all very helpful on the days that I was down and they helped get me through.
I am now asking for people to send me things ASAP that have to do with life, love, and new beginnings. ANYTHING that symbolizes these things or that mean something that would encourage those struggling to find hope. It can be something directed towards me, something you have used in your healing, something someone else has used or made, I want it all. I will use it in my own journey but I also want to use it as a source for others that are going through a trying time as a source of inspiration.
April 13th will be a day of remembrance and a day of inspiration.
All my love!!!!