I left Jersey and drove to Virginia. Annie’s birthday is today and I told her I would do what I could to be there, so here I am, back in Virginia. Wine bar and bonfires coming right up…
I am going to put myself out there, this is a moment where I want to keep it to myself but what is life without happiness and struggles?
Yesterday I stopped in DC on my way through to have dinner with someone that claims to be my biggest fan, Steve. I would have to say he has some pretty tough competition but he hasn’t met all of the people in my life so for now I will continue to let him think this. He found me online, after reading my blog he decided he wanted to meet me and made it a mission.
When I left DC before heading north I had the opportunity and I didn’t think anything of it. Someone that barely knew me wanted to meet because of a connection felt through a blog. It didn’t add up so I drove off without taking the time to meet him. He told me then that he would meet me some day soon.
Every day since then he has checked on me and we have spent time talking. I’ve never had someone I’ve never met so interested in my day to day life. I made the choice to make meeting a possibility. I wanted to meet someone who cared for someone he had never met but it scared me.
It put me in a uncomfortable situation and brought up tons of emotions. I felt a high level of expectations because the way I looked at it was that the person that he grew so fond of was the writer in me and it wasn’t everything I was. One one side what if I was a disappointment and on the other what if he liked me more?
I am terrified of being hurt. The fact that he cares so much without even really knowing who I am, scares me. I understand because I care a lot about others and love easy. For me though, right now I am in a healing phase. I lost someone I love so dearly and I am not ready to let someone in that might care for me and can hurt me.
In saying that, I am in NO way saying that I think or hope for a relationship. Because of the age and where we are in life there is that potential and that is what scares me. I am safe with people that aren’t my age, that are in relationships, or that want different things out of life. When it comes to my heart I WANTED to play it safe.
Let me put it like this, when I see the relationships that have brought so much happiness to my life I am aware of the pain that has accompanied those feelings. It is easy to blame someone else for the hurt. It is just as easy to be thankful for the happiness another and feel joy. I would never give the happiness back even through the pain. I want those to be lessons learned and be more cautious in the future. I have a big heart and find it easy to love people because of that I also allow myself to get hurt. It takes being hurt for one to appreciate the happiness someone else brings.
I had to remind myself over and over that connections don’t mean relationships that lead to pain. It is a new adventure in life, a new fear to overcome, a new friend to love and feeling alive all over again.