Expressions of Grey
I went to open mic night for the second time. It is on Thursday nights at the Wild Rabbit. Last week I met a lady Janet that reads poems. I was excited to see her this week because I didn’t get to hear her last week. A poem she read was about being lonely called “Expressions of Grey”. It really struck home with me. When she talked about the poem, I could see the emotions. I know it is something we can all relate to.
As I sat in the shop and listened to her read the poem a kid in his early 20’s had come and sat down next to me. He asked me questions because he had seen me before but knew I wasn’t from the area. I told him that I wrote this blog to inspire people to live their dreams, to follow their hearts and be who they are. Later he confided in me something he had never shared with others, I could tell he felt so lonely. I gave him my number and he sent me a text that night. I asked him why he reached out to me and his response was “You just seemed like you were very accepting and I know you would respect me by not telling anyone.”
I wish I had a copy of Janet’s poem. It reminds us that we have all be lonely at some point. Even if you are surrounded by a ton of people, you can still feel so lonely. It is important that as people we realize that we are all the same at the core. We are all fighting the same battles. So it is important that we reach out to people, even if they seem to have it together. You never know what someone is going through.
Anyone who has ever worked through loneliness would say it’s one of the most empowering things you can do. At the beginning of the year I had never felt so lonely. The one person I was so in love with was gone from this world and gone from my life. The only place he lives in in my heart and memories. I can’t even begin to tell you how empty I felt. I was so in love with the guy I knew, I still am. Something was bigger than him and I can only imagine how lonely he must have felt. He lost his desire to live and that is the ultimate feeling of loneliness.
Loneliness can be a huge factor to our being. Most of us wont acknowledge this. Feeling wanted or needed is a basic human need. We ALL feel it. We all want to belong. Just like hunger, when it isn’t being fulfilled, a person’s health suffers. Hunger is an easy problem to solve by eating yet the sense of belonging for some can be a challenge and very difficult. It is easier to see someone that is hungry than it is to see someone who is lonely. All I ask is that you consider reaching out to people. Don’t wait for someone else to help a person who is lonely. You may be just the connection that person is looking for to add a sense of value to their lives. It reminds me of a song:
If someone you know is waiting on your mind
and needs a friend on the other end of the line
Don’t hesitate, what you say might save some soul
But who knows? They might be glad you called
Earlier in the day I had a bit of a fit. I am so hard on myself that I am very frustrated. I shouldn’t be and I know that. BUT…. I am. Sad thing about it is, I take that frustration out on the wrong people in the wrong way. Cash had said something to me that was a joke and I let it hurt my feelings. Even knowing it wasn’t the intention of the joke.
I am sensitive. Sensitive because I am not where I think I should be in my mind to even consider a relationship with someone. To societies standards I am selfish, unstable, crazy, wild, carefree, etc… I am fine with that. I am not fine putting that burden on someone else. That is exactly what I felt like I was doing by even considering allowing someone to get close to me knowing I can’t give what society tells me I should.
I am not going to say I know what love is for everyone. For me, It is knowing all about someone and wanting them with you. It is about trusting a person enough to tell them things you are ashamed to tell others but feeling safe with them. With love comes pain but knowing the pain is worth the love is what makes the difference.
There is a reason why people come in our lives and some will teach us things we need to learn and some will bring out the best. We are constantly making connections and it is important that in those connections we make the other person feel valued, no matter how brief the interaction. Right now it in the middle of what is tearing me apart I know it will change and I will look back and see all the good and bad and know those things are what lead me through the journey. Those memories and life lessons give me a reason to grow, to laugh, smile and to want to love all over again. I am working to let go of all the reasons I think it won’t work and remembering the reasons that it will.