Today is going to be long as I have a lot on my mind.
Every moment we chose what we do with our time. I have learned that we have to accept ourselves and those around us. At the same time, we must stay true to who we are when we run into obstacles. That takes perseverance. A lot.
So… I sit here and think about when I was a kid and how I have grown. I am older now but somewhere in the midst of growing my heart got torn up and my mind got filled with doubt about dreams. As kids we have such imagination, we dream big, we hope for so much, and we believe that people wont hurt us because everyone is our friend.
Somewhere, that all changes but only because we let it.
I have so much going on in my mind today. Here is my own pep talk:
Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you’re no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain’t gonna have a life.
The last year I have lived with the memory of my husband Sean. Inspired by him in some way and angry in others. Some days I wake up so grateful for that time in my life and sometimes I wake up mad at the world and ask myself ‘Why me?’ and I struggle. As adults we find it hard to admit that we too are scared of the dark. Not me. I am scared.
Some people have asked about Cash because I haven’t wrote about him lately. I have been putting it off but now I need to share. He drove to Kansas when I was there before Christmas and that was the last time saw him. I knew from the start I wasn’t ready for a relationship but I tried to think that maybe I could be. I wanted to be.
As humans, We have a natural compulsion to fill the empty spaces. -Will Shortz
So I met up with him a few times and talked to him every day trying to convince myself otherwise. When it came down to it, I couldn’t and I would retract my feelings constantly. Scared. Not ready. Unsure. Still healing. I hurt him and that’s on me.
I can’t shake Sean from my life. I don’t want to ever forget but I do want to get through the pain. I do want to grow past it. I sit here now and tears pour down my face. I feel like I am blaming Sean for how I feel now and that isn’t what I want to do. It is my dark. Someday I will see the light. For now, I cope in the best way I know how.
People often think that because I hurt that I can’t be happy. They are quick to judge and quick to tell me how I should be doing things. That is far from the truth. I am happy. I love so much about life…. My life.
I love that once in awhile, people do something that takes your breath away.
I love how I feel after a good workout.
I love how ice cream melts in my mouth.
I love a good song that I can feel the emotions.
I love getting lost and finding my way.
I love being lost in an embrace by someone who means a lot to me.
The list could go on and on…. What I do know is that there is so much in life that we aren’t taught. We have to learn learn ourselves about these things. We learn how to love. We learn how to walk away. We learn what to say to people that mean something to us. We learn that we have to do the best we can for ourselves because that is what we deserve.
Being in love with music and the display of emotions. This song is one I have played over and over as I sit here writing this. Today… It means so much to me.
That song is how I feel some days. I think that Sean was in my life to show me a new way to live. I swear to this day he was in my life for a reason and I knew it from day one. I love him in a way in which I think very few would ever understand. Even to this very day I love him more and more. He broke me down. He gave me obstacles to overcome. He broke my heart. He transformed my life.
Love doesn’t hurt. Loneliness emptiness, and losing someone hurts. Love is the only thing that makes all of that better. We are constantly looking how to make that pain we feel better but the truth is found in love. In the pain I’ve found strength. Despite the heartache, I still believe in love.
Every day that I look back to the day before, it seems nothing changes. Yet when I think back to even a week, month, year, 10 years ago, so much in my life has changed. It is a fact that we grow faster than we want. That is what life is about. Change. I love seeing the people I love change into who they are supposed to be. We need every moment of change even when we think we don’t. We love the people we spend those moments with and enjoy doing all the things that make us happy. That’s the journey that we all are on.
My friend Brandon just sent a text that said “If I ever meet another Sherese(I never have just yet)I would only expect them to be as forward thinking as you. Takes courage to be you….nothing but respect. You’re one of my biggest inspirations of change Sherese. More importantly change for the sake of good and not the mediocore” I met Brandon at a bridal show and he is a deep thinker much like myself. Inspired by him I want to close with this:
Someday we see that we have strength beyond anything imagined. It is a sense of pride and we learn to love beyond any means we thought possible. When we really love people, we love them for who they are, not what they have or what they are not. When you meet someone for the first time, don’t judge them based on their situation. You never know what they are going through and they may end up being one of the best things that happen to your life.