So today is a hurdle date in my head. There are 3 dates that recently I want to get through and today is one of them.
I have talked to Matt a lot about it lately because it is constantly on my mind. I personally think we are conditioned to think about things in year increments (birthdays, anniversary etc…). Matt has done an amazing job at listening to me and putting up with me. I still have a lot of emotions towards what happened. Matt tries to understand and is very patient with the emotions I feel.
A year ago today, Sean tried to run me over in his car while I was on the phone with 911 running to get away from him. When the police caught up with him they pulled him over and he was intoxicated. A year ago today Sean moved out and it was the first day of a 10 day period that I was thinking it would be my last day. After that I thought for sure he was going to kill me. I didn’t know when or where but I felt it deep inside. I was scared but thought I was making it up in my mind. I tried to go on living life in a normal way but I was calling friends telling them my location constantly. I was always looking over my shoulder and was scared of everything around me. I even carried my gun. I did my best not to let it show because I somehow thought I was going crazy. I had no idea what was in store for the next 10 days.
I am coming up on the year since the suicide. A lot has changed within me and a lot will change moving forward. I am proactively looking for a new career so that I have a new focus. I can stop looking back at what happened to me in the last “year” and start moving forward. A year is what I am giving to it but it was to heal myself and to sort through all the emotions. That year is almost up and it weights heavy on my heart and mind these days… I miss Sean and the person he was when I met him. I don’t miss the end and I am ready to jump the year hurdle.
I want to believe…
- Believe that things happen for a reason even if the reason is to make us stronger.
- Believe in your success when all you feel is failure.
- Believe that wrong roads can lead to the right road.
- Believe it isn’t the destination, it is the journey.
- Believe in your intuition it knows better than anyone else.
- Believe that life and people will surprise you over and over.
- Believe that it is worth your while and effort because you never know what is waiting around the corner.
So while January 1st is a new year and a clean slate for many, my new years eve this year is April 13th. A Year