Last night I went on a date for the first time since I have been here. We went to dinner and sat and talked. It was nice and I enjoyed the company. It was a blind date. Last week when I was out I met this couple and the guy suggested I meet a friend of his. So here I was, on what was classified as a blind date.
Obviously because of what I am doing, I am not looking to get attached to anyone in that way so I started freaking myself out. I am out on the date and somehow I felt like I was being unfair to my heart. How is being unfair to one’s heart possible? If it is, how or why?
Life is challenging. No matter how much you think you have figured out, there is always more. Everyone is damaged and has baggage. I’ve made mistakes and I have been married and divorced twice. Both times I walked away and both times I endured so much pain. It wasn’t easy but I refused to sell myself short. I still madly love both of them very differently and I learned when you do something wrong, you learn from it and you move on. One thing I know for sure it that time doesn’t heal if you’re not ready to move on.
What I have learned is that I want someone who supports my dreams yet understands my strengths and loves all of me, including my weaknesses. I don’t want the happy ever after. I want the finding happiness in each moment including misunderstandings and imperfections. I want the ability to love in the moment, forgiving each others mistakes because we know that love for each other is greater than hate.
I feel if someone is going to fall in love with me, it is important that they know what they are getting into. Hard part about that is that I don’t even know what that is at this point. So far I have figured out that I am protective of my heart and those I care about. I have hopes and dreams of living life to the fullest that I won’t give up on. I have a big fear of getting hurt with a troubled past. At the same time I love to smile, hug, live, and love. I like to remind people how special they are to me constantly and to stand by those I love. I have a passion and a fire for getting to know people. Life to me is about those you share it with. Wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone is a risk. I have fallen down a few times and right now in this moment I am not ready to get back up. I want to learn to love better.
So when I say I am being unfair to my heart I really just felt like I wasn’t ready to be on something that is classified as a date. I wanted it to be just friends getting to know each other. My heart isn’t ready for someone else to love in a one on one way. Yet, I knew that is how I felt going in yet I still felt like I was being unfair to my heart. I still need to learn to handle a heart with care and maybe at times a little extra padding or protection. For now, I am starting with my own.